Writing chick lit on hot guys' naked bodies is ridiculous- and we hope it becomes a huge trend. Lemondrop features quite a few - Are You There God, It's Me, Margret on David Beckham , Twilight on Daniel Radcliffe and Pride and Prejudice on Ashton Kutcher.
Of course, our favorite is a masterpiece of literary Jewdity: Jeremy Piven sporting Bridget Jones' Diary. Oh, to be that glass of Manischewitz in his sweaty hand.
This week, our Beloved Heeb magazine interviewed Cara Oshiver, the 30-year-old North Carolina pole artist behind Sexy Bubbe, and revealed that she is mostly insane, but also pretty savvy.
Oh, yeah, we forgot to mention. She shoots Matzah Balls out of her "hamantash". If you catch our drift.
The Katz's Deli orgasm scene from When Harry Met Sally is an absolute classic. It's got everything: kosher food, sex, and director Rob Riner's mother delivering the perfect punchline.
We thought it couldn't get better. We thought Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan's performances were perfection. Until now.
We didn't even know it was missing something. We never realized how great the scene would be if Meg Ryan was a wookie. That's right a wookie. As in Chewbacca. From Star Wars.
Alright, everybody. We're ready for the angry e-mails from our moms.
We were going to do top 5, but then we just kept going and giggling. It is a good thing that hell isn't a driving force in Judaism, because if it was, we're pretty sure we'd be headed there for this list.
Giggle Giggle. Snicker. Tee Hee!
TOP 10 JEWISH TRADITIONS THAT COULD BE SEXUAL EUPHEMISMS
This add for an Jewish version of MySpace called Koolanoo (Kulanu in Hebew means "all of us") features some sexy near-Jewdity, and reminds us that it really, really, really pays to be a mensch.
Mother's Day is this weekend, people! Today we at I Heart Jews celebrate our fabulous, sassy, loving, hilarious, Jewish Mothers!
Inspired by yesterday's condom commercial featuring the classic song "My Yiddishe Mommae" we went hunting for other odd video interpretations of the song. We found some doozies. Here are our top 5 meshuggene video versions of "My Yiddishe Mommae"
5. DAVID FEINGOLD What exactly is going on here? Is it an Andy Kauffman-style straight faced comedy bit? A serious moment from the comedian who calls himself "Fat Jewish Guy"? Why is there a random tushy? This is totally bizarre.
(The tushy is at at 1:04, hornballs)
4. FINNISH There are approximately 1,000 Jews in the entire country of Finland. Why shouldn't they have their own version of the classic? Awesome.
3. BARBERSHOP QUARTET It is weird to see a barbershop quartet sing something so melancholy. We keep thinking they are going to break into some sort of upbeat version, but alas, it just keeps on being nostalgic. If only Andy Bernard from The Office would join in.
2. HARRIETT SINGS This one really sneaks up on you. Why wouldn't you suddenly (1:24), without warning cut to "My Yiddishe Mommae" in the middle of an Etta James freedom bus tribute? Seriously. Why not?
1. TOM JONES and JOHN FARNHAM Two Gentiles rockin' it out! Australian pop icon John Farnham and Welsh sex bomb Tom Jones have an intense "My Yiddishe Mommae" duel, and though they both put up a good fight, Tom Jones is the clear winner.
Stay tuned for more mom comedy (momedy)! We're meshuggene for Mother's Day! Read more...
New York-based comedian Gil Ozeri must not own a kosher phone card. Though he does stand-up, sketch and improv, Gil is oft known on the web for his phone sex pranks. He calls in, hits record, asks for something weird, and lets the hilarity ensue.
Well, It's Monday again. That means it is time to bring you a Bar Mitzvah video that either makes you laugh your head off or gouge your eyes out!
Today's selection is hilarious, mysterious and disturbing.
This is not intended to poke fun at adorable Josh (he seems like a sweet and funny kid) or his family (they seem supportive and fun) or at the milestone event that is the actual Bar Mitzvah (we heart Jews).
That being said... this musical montage is totally nuts.
Josh's Bar Mitzvah, 2008. Professional Video Montage: Love In This Club
I’m what you want, I’m what you need He got you trapped, I’ll set you free Sexually, mentally, physically, emotionally I’ll be like your medicine, you’ll take every dose of me It’s going down on aisle 3, I’ll bag you like some groceries And every time you think about it you gon’ want some more of me
What? You'll "bag me like some groceries?"! Seriously? How did this happen? There are a few possible explanations for this insanely inappropriate song choice:
1) Love In This Club is Josh's favorite song, and whatever the Bar Mitzvah boy wants, he gets- regardless of the trauma it causes those who watch the video.
2) Nobody at the videography company speaks English, so they chose Love In This Club based on the song's enticing beat.
3) The family only gave a cursory listen to the song and thought "I want to make love in this club" referred to the deep love of family and Jewish tradition.
4) The video's editor was told that Josh "became a man" that night and thought Love In This Club told the story of the evening quite fittingly.
5) They are all comic geniuses.
We think the whole video is amazing, but we've highlighted some of our favorite (most disturbing) moments along with the full, super-sexy lyrics.
Usher Love In This Club (Ft. Young Jeezy) Lyrics w/ Josh's Video Montage Highlights
Gotta do it for the ladies And I gotta keep it hood Where we at Polo (Ay) I see you Ryan Yo Keith you was right But we just gettin started yeahhhhhhhh mannnnnnnnnn
You see you searching for somebody That'll take you out and do you right Well come here baby and let daddy show you what it feel like You know all you gotta do is tell me what you sippin' on And I promise that I’m gonna keep it comin’ all night long
Lookin’ in your eyes while you on the other side And I think that shorty I’ve got a thing for you you keep doing it on purpose winding and workin’ it I can tell by the way you lookin’ at me girl
I wanna make love in this club (1:10 Doing the Hora, Lighting Candles) (make love in this club,ey in this club,ey in this club) I wanna make love in this club (in this club,ey in this club,ey in this club)
(Listen)you got some friends rollin’ wit you baby then that's cool You can leave them with my homies let em know that I got you If you didn’t know, you’re the only thing that’s on my mind Cuz the way I'm staring miss you got me wantin to give it to you all night
Lookin’ in your eyes while you walk the other side I can't take it no more (1:56 reading the Torah) Baby I'm coming for you You keep doin’ it on purpose winding and working it If we close our eyes it could be just me and you
I wanna make love (in this club ey 'in this club,ey in this club) (2:06 Josh being raised in the chair) I wanna make love (in this club in this club, in this club) I wanna make love (in this club, in this club, in this club) (2:13 Josh being embraced by Mom) I wanna make love in this club (in this club, in this club) (2:17 Josh dancing with various older lady relatives)
I’m what you want, I’m what you need He got you trapped, I’ll set you free Sexually, mentally, physically, emotionally I’ll be like your medicine, you’ll take every dose of me It’s going down on aisle 3, I’ll bag you like some groceries (2:48 Josh dressed like Elvis, singing to all the young girls) And every time you think about it you gon’ want some more of me ( 2:51 Josh dancing with his hot mom) About to hit the club, make a movie yeah rated R Pulled up like a trap star, That's if you have yo regular car You wanna make love to a thug in the club with his Sice on 87 jeans and a fresh pair of Nikes on On the couch, on the table, on the bar, or on the floor You can meet me in the bathroom yeah you know I’m trying go (3:08 Family being raised in chairs)
Might as well give me a kiss If we keep touching like this I know you scared baby they don't know what we doin Lets both get undress right here Keep it up girl and I swear I'ma give it to you none stop And I don't care who's watchin watchin watchin watchin watchin ohh in this club on the floor baby lets make love (3:38 Josh and the Torah)
I wanna make love (in this club in this club, in this club, in this club) I wanna make love (in this club in this club, in this club, in this club)
You really need a phone card, but you're worried about your compulsive addiction to phone sex lines. You're Jewish, but you're worried about your compulsive addiction to phone sex lines. Your Rabbi wants you to use less technology on the Sabbath, but you're worried about your compulsive addiction to phone sex lines. Have no fear! The Kosher Phone Card is here! Soon enough, talkative Jerusalem residents will be able to purchase a lovely calling card, adorned with a chamsa or a picture of the Wailing Wall, that will stop them from any naughty phone usage. Numbers deemed "undesirable" by the Rabbinical Committee for Communications will be impossible to call using your Kosher card. Try making any call on the Sabbath, wether its a booty call or a Bubbe call, and you'll be charged a hefty fee. This is all in the name of decreasing temptation for phone users. Less whore-a, more Torah.
In honor of this latest and greatest Jewish Invention, we bring you the best reason not to buy the kosher phone card. If you used one, you couldn't call this sexy Jewish hotline. Brought to you by the Shushan Channel.
The year may be almost halfway over, but that still leaves plenty of months to ogle Jamie Sneider's pin-up calendar, The Year of the Jewish Woman.
You heard us right, the brassy actress/homemade bikini model has made a name for herself with a 2009 calendar celebrating Jewdity. That's Jewish nudity.
Some of the months are a little bit disturbing... ... seriously, Jamie, you couldn't find eight other natural-boobed Jewish hotties to help you out?
Regardless, the general message that Jewish chicks are smart, sexy and funny is one that we are totally on board with.
Plus, The Year of the Jewish Woman contains over 60 sexed-up, come-hither, kosher images, most of which are either awesomely absurd
or legitimately adorable.
Thanks, Jamie for showing a whole lot more than just your shayna punim!
Oodles of gratitude to our heros at Jewcy for the lead!
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