Boobies vs. Bubbies: Real Housewives of New Jersey Makes Our Brains Explode

A quick lesson for those who aren't totally familiar with yiddish:

This is Bubbe.


These are boobies.


The Real Housewives of New Jersey seem unable to distinguish between the two. They can't consistently pronounce the word "boobies" and the results are delightful. We've included a video, along with some some real-time commentary for your enjoyment.




Thoughts we had while watching this amazing video:

So wait... let's get this straight.

- Jaqilin's heart is as big as her grandmother's heart. Ok. That makes sense.

- That other chick wants to wear an animal print bikini top with her grandma?

- Her husband is a butt man so he likes her grandmother?

- This is so confusing!

-If only there there were a crazy remix where they show us the different ways in which people are talking about Bubbies...

- Thank heaven! There it is!

- Oh! Now it all makes sense they were just talking about boobies. A lot. A whole lot of boobie talk.

- Sigh. Television is awesome.

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Jewish X-Men Origins: Jewish Wolverine = Jewverine

Origins: Jewverine

We here at I Heart Jews didn't get to see the new Wolverine movie on opening night. We were home researching kosher phone cards that prevent you from dialing sex lines. So sue us. It just wasn't a priority.

You know what would have gotten us away from our computers and into the theaters? Matt Selman's amazing creation, Jewverine.

Here's a little excerpt from the Jewverine origin story:

“What if I went as Wolverine?”
I already had the sideburns. My wife looked at my thick, curly facial hair, skeptically.
“Is Wolverine Jewish?” she asked.
“No, he's Canadian."
Why did I marry a cheerleader instead of a nerd?
“Okay, Jewish Wolverine,” I said, liking it. “Jew-verine.” Loving it.
But Rabbinical sideburns plus Wolverine costume weren't enough. Only half a joke Halloween costume. I needed more. I needed full joke.

You can read the whole saga on Mr. Selman's blog, NerdWorld.

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Classic Kosher Comedy Corner: The Sklar Brothers

The Sklar brothers are fast, funny and Jewdorable.

They're also everywhere- from Comedy Central to NPR, with a boatload of stuff in between. Sports nerds may know them from "The Bracket" on ESPN's Sports Center or as guest hosts on Jim Rome's radio program. Comedy nerds may know them from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Curb Your Enthusiasm and of course all the late night shows that know what's good for them. Regular nerds have surely seen them in their plethora of web videos. Your dad knows them from their roles in Wild Hogs.
Never heard of them? That's a shonda! Have no fear, we've posted their Comedy Central Special so you can catch up!

The Greatest Comedy Act of Any Twin Jewish Comedians Ever

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Kosher Phone Cards and Sexy Jewish Hotlines

You really need a phone card, but you're worried about your compulsive addiction to phone sex lines. You're Jewish, but you're worried about your compulsive addiction to phone sex lines. Your Rabbi wants you to use less technology on the Sabbath, but you're worried about your compulsive addiction to phone sex lines. Have no fear! The Kosher Phone Card is here!

Soon enough, talkative Jerusalem residents will be able to purchase a lovely calling card, adorned with a chamsa or a picture of the Wailing Wall, that will stop them from any naughty phone usage. Numbers deemed "undesirable" by the Rabbinical Committee for Communications will be impossible to call using your Kosher card. Try making any call on the Sabbath, wether its a booty call or a Bubbe call, and you'll be charged a hefty fee. This is all in the name of decreasing temptation for phone users. Less whore-a, more Torah.

In honor of this latest and greatest Jewish Invention, we bring you the best reason not to buy the kosher phone card. If you used one, you couldn't call this sexy Jewish hotline. Brought to you by the Shushan Channel.

Thanks to Vos Iz Neias? for the lead!

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Goys Gone Wild! Easter Edition!

What's that, Mr. President? I'm Terrifying?

Now we here at I Heart Jews have a lot of respect for our Goyish friends. But now that Passover's over, spring has sprung and our Matzoh-overdose induced delirium has passed, we are still left with a question. Why is the Easter bunny so scary?

We Jews have a lot of unusual traditions (Sukkot, anyone?) but placing your child on the lap of a terrifying beast is something we're having trouble wrapping our brains around. Goys be trippin'. Here are 5 reasons why.


EXHIBIT A: Reaching Out



EXHIBIT B: Escape Attempt


EXHIBIT C: Rage


EXHIBIT D: Misery


EXHIBIT E: Frozen In Fear


photos via (ChristmasWishProgram), (flikr), (GinaGTops) and (518Moms)

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Thursday's Link List May Be Your Besheret (Soulmate)

Lindsay Lohan's Lokin' For Love In All the Right Places (Heeb)

Most Of Our JDates Have Felt Like This - Sharing On First Date (iKlipz)

Judd Apatow's World Is Utpoia For Schlubs (WhipItOut)

Craigslist Missed Connections- Jewish Style (AlmostMetJew)

We Could All Use These Dating Advice Books (WhipItOut)

(Nothing To Do With Love, Except We Love It) Family Guy's FCC Song (iKlipz)

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Israeli Government Officials - Avid Readers Of "I Heart Jews"

Clearly, Israel's deputy health minister, Yakov Litzman, has been keeping up with I Heart Jews! Obviously, he read our post yesterday regarding his awesomely ridiculous decision to re-name "swine flu" as "Mexican flu". He must have really felt burned by our clever blogging, because he changed his mind today!

"Israel has no intention of giving the flu any new names. It was nothing more than a slip of the tongue," the official said.*

We here at I Heart Jews are very proud of the difference we can make with a simple post.

Litzman continued, "Thanks to the delightfully irreverent blogging over at I Heart Jews, I have realized that changing the name of "swine flu" is totally ludicrous. Also, re-naming it "Mexican flu" is pretty offensive. I sure wouldn't like someone to name a disease "Jew Flu", though I do like rhyming. A hearty todah rabah and my deepest grattude to I Heart Jews." **

(AFP via GoogleNews)


* This quote is totally real.
** This quote is totally made up.

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SNL's Royal Deluxe II Is Hilarious And Therefore Inducted Into The Jewish Comedy Hall Of Fame

This is a true Jewish comedy classic.

There have been many awesome Jew-centric Saturday Night Live sketches over the years. This one is a cut above (pun sort-of intended). Before there was Hanukkah Harry, before there was Linda Richman, there was The Royal Deluxe II, and it was hilarious.

It features a beautiful baby... and a beautiful car!

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Rashida Jones and Natalie Portman Get Super Duper Cute

Hot, Hilarious and Hebrew.

I mean, seriously. If a video featured just one of these crazy-hot Jewish gals, dayenu. But we have been blessed with both Natalie Portman and Rashida Jones starring in this short series for Funny or Die.

If a video featured two crazy-hot chicks and was funny, dayenu; but no, we get Natalie Portman, Rashida Jones and baby animals?

It is enough to make a guy keel over.

NATALIE PORTMAN & RASHIDA JONES Speak Out from Natalie Portman

More! New topic, slightly new punchline!

NATALIE PORTMAN & RASHIDA JONES Speak Out Again from Natalie Portman

Cute overload.

NATALIE PORTMAN & RASHIDA JONES Speak Out Once More from Natalie Portman

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Top 5 Animals That Look Like Your Jewish Relatives

Your mishpucha: Could they be more adorable? Turns out, they could!

You know we love Jews, and you gotta love animals.

We've scoured the globe for the most spot-on animal versions of your Jewish family. Here are our 5 favorites.


5. Lemur - Aunt Mindy
"Please. I need another macaroon like I need a hole in my head. P.S. did I tell you I met the nicest girl for you the other day? Jewish. Don't roll your eyes. She's very nice."





4. Koala - Uncle Murray
"Did you hear the one about the Rabbi and the sexy lady? "



3. Yeti Crab - Cousin Scotty
"Go Knicks!"



2. Monkey - Bubbe
"Give Bubbe a little kiss. Now would it kill you to try my gifelte fish?"




1. Blobfish - Poppy
"Oy."

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Jews, Gentiles & Ponies: 5 Fave Links for Wednesday

(flikr)

Michael Bay & My Little Pony (iKlipz)

Ronna & Beverly Chat With A Lesbian (WhipItOut)

Bagels & Bongos: Jews On Vinyl (TrailOfOurVinylBook)

R&B Comedian- Ron G Is Gonna' Make You Laugh, Girl (iKlipz)

A Priest, A Rabbi & Adam Carolla Walk Into A Bar... And Talk About Boobs (TheLaughTrack)

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Top 10 Alternate Names For "I Heart Jews"

Internet comments can be crazy, misspelled and often brutal. Every once in a while, they can also be funny, creative and useful.

Once upon a time, before we were I Heart Jews, we were a nameless collection of comedy-loving Jewish kids, in search of a place to put all our hilarious internet stuff. We knew we wanted a site, but we didn't know what to call it. So, we turned to the awesome fans of Jews on facebook to help name this very site your are reading right now. Boy, did they deliver. Within an hour, we were flooded with ideas, from the sublime to the ridiculous. They also ranged from puntastic to completely nonsensical. Here's a list of our favorites, along with the name culprit who submitted it!

Thanks for all the inspiration, facebookers. As the kids say, LOL.

Top 10 Alternate Names For "I Heart Jews"

10. Hebrouhaha
(Vanessa Greene)

9. Jewmor
(Renee Boman)


8. Hebrews and Shebrews
(Jess Lev)

7. GeFUNte Fish
(George Geankoplis)

6. Who are Jew Kidding?
(Robin Wertheimer)

5. Jewey Center
(Mary Maclaren)

4. Just Yidding
(Mac Osterneck)

3. Here's Looking at Jew Kid
(Brett Voeller)

2. Blogmitzvah
(Tsahkratis Tsahkrikando)

1. Gin 'n' Jews
(Tony Arnaud)

Runners up include Shofar So Good, Jew Oughtta Know, JewBacca, MazelTov Cocktail, Jews on First and Just Jew It.

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Jewish iPhone Hooks You Up

We love this parody commercial starring Orthodox stand-up comedian Yisrael Cambpell. We never realized how goyish our phones were until now.

I guess we could download some apps like iBlessing or ParveOMeter. Yep, those are real!

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I Heart Jew's Fave Tuesday Links

Sarah Silverman, Supermodel! (NY Times)

Your Dog, Not Cute! (iKlipz)

Adam Sandler, Psychic! (TheLaughTrack)

Bea Aurthur, Legend! (TheSingleThing)

Eddie Griffin, Future Reality Star! (iKlipz)

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Swine Flu Is So Totally Not Kosher

We are aware that swine flu is serious. We are also aware that though this news item is not a joke, it is hilarious.

JERUSALEM - Swine flu? Not in the Jewish state.

"We will call it Mexico flu. We won't call it swine flu," Deputy Health Minister Yakov Litzman, a black-garbed Orthodox Jew, told a news conference Monday, assuring the Israeli public that authorities were prepared to handle any cases.

Under Jewish dietary laws, pigs are considered unclean and pork is forbidden food -- although the non-kosher meat is available in some stores in Israel.

(Reuters)

Wait- we're confused. Doesn't "Mexiacan Flu" sound far away and less of an immediate threat? Wouldn't leaving "swine" in the title keep it scary? Wouldn't "swine flu" help keep Israelis away from both pigs and germs? It isn't like they named the disease "delicious bacon flu".

mmmm... bacon flu...

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Rabbi Debunks Made-Up Jewish Holidays

Here's a clip from the short-lived series Dog Bites Man from Comedy Central that aired for just a handful of episodes in the summer of 2006.

Even though the cast (featuring Zach Galifianakis, A.D. Miles, Andrea Savage and Matt Walsh) is amazing, the whole series, which was a sort of improv/reality show love child, never really took off. That makes us sad after seeing this great clip. We can't believe we just saw it for the first time. Andrea Savage is particularly hilarious as she lies her face off to the Rabbi.

We've been celebrating the festival of "Kramaht" and taking "Jew' Naps" for years without even knowing it!

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Jewin' It Right! Monday's Link Delights

Sara Jessica Parker catches Pac-Man Fever (LevelOneBoss)

We Heart Sensitive Men (iKlipz)

Andy Kindler's Big Pitch: Jewish-Eye For The Christian Guy (WhipItOutComedy)

Awesome Movie Pitches (iKlipz)

Laughing With The Enemy: Jews And Palestinians Team Up For Stand-Up (JewishTVNetwork)

The Dan Band's Awesome Starsky & Hutch Bat Mitzvah Song (WhipItOutComedy)

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Mazel Tov Monday: Seth's Bar Mitzvah Karaoke Extravaganza

In our never-ending quest to bring you the finest in cringe-inducing Jewish milestone videos, we may have happened upon a real treasure. Quite possibly the greatest Bar Mitzvah video artifact ever:

Seth's Bar Mitzvah, 1994.
Family Karaoke.

The video is a tad long, so let us direct you to a few of the many highlights, for the attention-span impaired:

:43 So many amazing facial expressions, so little time.

1:56 Grandpa rocks out.

3:11 Grandpa's back!

Mazel Tov, Seth. Seriously. Mazel Tov.

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Classic Kosher Comedy Corner: Jeffrey Ross

Roaster. Director. Dancing with the Stars Eyepatch-Wearer.



Here's some classic stand-up from Jeffrey Ross. The set is already really funny, but the audience shots add some awesome extra Catskills flavor.

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Seinfeld Talks About The Reunion... Sort Of

As many of you alert, comedy-loving Jews may already be aware of, the Seinfeld cast will be reuniting on the next season of Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Jason Alexander, Michael Richards and of course, Jerry Seinfeld will be playing versions of themselves in a multi-episode arc that we waiting for with bated breath.

Most of the cast have had previous guest-spots on Curb, but this will be Michael Richard's first appearance in the series. Gulp.

In this delightful paparazzi-style video from E! online (they call it "raw video"), we get to see Jerry deal with being ambushed in a way that is calm, cool and lovably Seinfeldian.

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Sexy Seinfeld: What's The Deal With Porn?

A great moment in porn history is happening as you read this. According to our third favorite on-line magazine, (after Salon and Heeb) Adult Video News, on April 10 in the glamorous San Fernando Valley, they began shooting Seinfeld - A XXX Parody. We couldn't make this stuff up if we tried.

NO PANTS FOR YOU!

But wait! There's more!



Bizzaro Seinfeld cast.



We have a feeling Kramer's schemes will be crazier than ever.


We hope Elaine is less awkward in bed than she is on the dance floor.


We really don't want to know if/what that croissant has anything to do with George's scenes.

You can see even more sneak peek photos (with boobs) at AVN.com.

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Shabbat Shalom! 5 Links To Check Out Before Sundown!

Srsly. LOL Jews (LOLJews)

Miriam And Shoshana Are Hardcore (TheLaughTrack)

Making Trouble: To Be Funny, Jewish and Female (MakingTrouble)

Jewish Mad Men: Satire With Style (TheLaughTrack)

Record 64 Lb. Gefilte Fish (Jewlarious)

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Jewlebrity Profile: Paula Abdul

Paula Abdul. We know she's crazy. We know she has a line of HSN jewelry. We know she's tight with MC Skat Kat. But we here at I Heart Jews have always wondered- is she a member of the chosen people? We finally have your answer right here. And it is a resounding, triumphant "YES". She's forever our girl. And we have two videos to prove it.

This first one we actually think is genuinely sweet, though we're dying to know more about her surprise for the Rabbi (:25).

We're also a little confused about just exactly what Judaism has to do with her American Idol judging...but hey, she seems happy and sober in this clip, kenahora.

Interestingly enough, this is not the video that tipped us off to her Semitic roots. Even standing next to a bearded Chabad leader talking about Sabbath candles, she still has never seemed more Jewish than when she made her feature film debut in Junior High School. It is a musical. Hold on to your yarmulkes.



Holy Hydrox! She looks like every girl we sat next to in Hebrew School! Every girl who kissed us on USY sleepovers! Every girl who helped with the Tikkun Olam charity car wash!

She is Jewish with a capital J, people!

Is it possible that we created this entire post so that we could share with you the glory that is "Party" from Junior High School?

Straight Up.

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The Definition Of A "Jewish Spinner" = Reason To TiVo Millionaire Matchmaker

What the hell is a Jewish Spinner? Apparently, a "Jewish Spinner" is a tiny Jewish girl. She is similar to a dreidel. Why? Watch this insane clip.

Oy. We just don't know how we feel about Bravo's Millionaire Matchmaker. On one hand, the show's star, Patti Stanger, the no-nonsense, modern-day Yenta, clearly has a bowl of sassafras for breakfast every morning, which makes her endlessly entertaining. Full of zingers, that one is.

Even so, there are plenty of moments that make Patti a little tough to take. She's pretty insane, we have to watch her deal with a ton of "wackadoos", and her advice to the potential girlfriends is super abrasive. Though she constantly assures us her fashion advice comes from experience, her insistence on hooker heels is questionable, and her overpowering obsession with flat-ironed hair often leaves us sad and weirded out.

Whether you think Patti is totally obnoxious or totally awesome, the power of this clip from the most recent episode cannot be denied. The image Patti describes is burned into our brains forever.

Ok. Sigh. We're setting our TiVos.

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Top 8 Hilarious Passover Internet Bits

Sad that Passover's over? Dry your salt-water tears, or just dip some parsley in them! We've collected all the comedy we found in our inbox, and narrowed it down to our favorites. From matzah raps to unleavened video games, we've seen them all. Here's 8 internet reasons to celebrate the exedous all year long!


8. STEVEN COLBERT FREES HIS JEWS
The dramatic music kills us every time. Awesome.

(The rest of the best after the jump!)


7. MATZAH!
The Jewish internet novelty song hit-machine Eric Schwartz does it again, this time with the help of Jib Jab and a whole lotta' matzah.




6. 20 THINGS TO DO WITH MATZOH
Cute, silly and a great song. Makes us want to pretend we're a shark.




5. DIGG PASSOVER
Nerdtastic.




4. FACEBOOK HAGGADA
This spread around and took over facebook like a plague of locusts. Get it? We're super glad it did, because it is genius. Click here to check out the whole Megillah... er... Haggadah.



3. PASSOVER NIOR
We are absolutely in love with is one. It is beautifully filmed, totally original, and features the awesomest kid actor ever. We want him in the punchline of every web video ever.



2. JAPANESE PASSOVER TIP
Funny and actually useful! Not a combo we see very often.



1. BITTER HERB
He's just like what half our relatives would be like if they did stand-up. And were made of horseradish.



Think we missed one? Sometimes the best links are like an afikomen: delicious, but hard to find. Post your favorites here!

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Jewish Nerds Around The World Rejoice As The Watchmen Convert

Who watches The Watchmensch?



Um... we do. Because we heart Jews.




Here are some snippets of the recently released comic parody.




It's a comic about a comic about comics. With Jews. Count us in!

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Jew Oughtta' Know! Thursday's Funniest Links

Yiddish With Dick And Jane (JewishTvNetwork)

Should You Snort Your Matzah? (FrumSatire)

Woody Allen And The Best Interview Ever (TheLaughTrack)

Ridiculous Passover Deserts (CakeWrecks)

Awwwwww! Lil' 13-Year-Old Seth Rogen Does Stand-Up (TheLaughTrack)

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Jimmy Kimmel Plays Awesome Response To The Jets' High Holidays Conflict

There's been a lot of talk about the New York Jets' game schedule conflicting with both Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur this season.

Good thing Jimmy Kimmel gave us a single clip that says it all.

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Sarah Silverman and Isla Fisher's Passive-Aggressive Catfight!

Hot! Jewish! Passive-Aggressive!

On Monday, My Damn Channel premiered their new series Pilot Season and we are loving it. Not only is it jam-packed with some awesome performers (some of whom are Jews), but it also features a spot-on Hollywood back-handed compliment competition between classic Jew Sarah Silverman and new Jew (or near Jew, depending on your sources) Isla Fisher.

The series was based on a 1997 mocumentary called Who's The Caboose? and then shot five years ago for the now-defunct Trio channel.* The latest stop on this project's long journey is this 30-episode Web version of the series. It looks like Pilot Season may have finally found a home.

You can see a longer version of the catfight scene here , or watch the the whole pilot of Pilot Season on MyDamnChannel.

*RIP, Trio. You were an awesome, totally underappreciated network.

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Modern Day Jesus : A Nice Jewish Boy?

If it isn't already, this should be officially considered an internet comedy classic. In fact, the whole series is awesome.

We know, there a lot of not-so funny Jesus videos out there. There are also boatload of funny ones. This one is the king. Pun intended.

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Jerry Springer Sings the Most Awkward Song in the History of Jewish Improv

Oy Gevalt. This clip from Who's Line is it Anyway? gives us a major case of shpilkes.

It begins with 1:45 of things like Wayne Brady accidentally (?) saying that she is his butt.

There are a few clever lines in there,
" A yarmulke is a hat without a string or propeller/ But I am without a feller" maybe things will be OK.

Oh, dear. The audience volunteer looks miserable.

Awkward. Awkward. Awkward.

Hold on. Actually, upon repeat viewing (which we do not recommend) we notice that Jerry, a nice Jewish boy, does a pretty darn good job! Though he is clearly not an improviser by trade, he's super bouncy, committed, in-character and listening intently. At one point (2:10) he even does some purposeful awkwardness for comedic effect! Good job, Jerry!


Note: If we ever have to see Wayne Brady say "tuchas" again, or even, heaven forbid, "gevalt", we're pretty sure our brains will explode.

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Across the Jewniverse- Wednesday's Top 5 Links

We're fans of Jews. Are you? (Facebook)

Mental for Yentyl (PopWatch)

Video: Chanukah Song Gets Hall of Fame Treatment (Funk Jelly)

Favorite Movie Jews (BeliefNet)

Video: Chelsea Handler's hilarious dinner with Super Jew Rabbi Shmuley (TheLaughTrack)

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May, Shmay! It is NEVER Too Late to Buy a Sexy Kosher Calendar!

The year may be almost halfway over, but that still leaves plenty of months to ogle Jamie Sneider's pin-up calendar, The Year of the Jewish Woman.

You heard us right, the brassy actress/homemade bikini model has made a name for herself with a 2009 calendar celebrating Jewdity. That's Jewish nudity.

Some of the months are a little bit disturbing...

... seriously, Jamie, you couldn't find eight other natural-boobed Jewish hotties to help you out?

Regardless, the general message that Jewish chicks are smart, sexy and funny is one that we are totally on board with.

Plus, The Year of the Jewish Woman contains over 60 sexed-up, come-hither, kosher images, most of which are either awesomely absurd



or legitimately adorable.



Thanks, Jamie for showing a whole lot more than just your shayna punim!

Oodles of gratitude to our heros at Jewcy for the lead!

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This Beatles Clip Will Make You Plotz - Hava Nagila

Ok. So it isn't really The Beatles. Nevertheless, this clip from A Hard Day's Day: A Day in the Life of a Beatles Tribute Band is a total trip.

Brought to us by the jewdorable Dave Kessler, who directed A Hard Day's Day and performed by The Moptops, this may be our favorite "Hava Nagila" cover to date.

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From OMG to OY VEY! Gossip Girl's most Jewtastic Episode Yet!

That's right kids, Gossip Girl, the scandalous soaptastic teen treat has gone all Pesach on us.

We've had some hints of a some semitic flavor creeping into what could be the most waspy show on television, starting with the addition of the incomparable (and inconceivable!) Wallace Shawn to the cast, but this week was completely out of control!

Imagine, if you will, these people...


with "Hatikvah" playing in the background. Ridiculous.

In reference to her trading up of boyfriends (from a Bass to a Vanderbilt) we had the honor of hearing the social climbing Blair (Leighton Meester) proclaim, "I'm one of the Chosen Ones. I was wandering the Bassian desert, and I've reached the Vanderbilt Promised Land." Oy Vey.

How about this- after finding out that Serena accidentally married some dude in Spain, the following phrase is uttered by our snarky narrator, "Baruch Atah Ay Dios Mio!"

Then she wraps up the episode by replacing her signature "xoxo" with "Shalom"!

We're counting down the days 'till their Shavuot special.

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About I Heart Jews

Welcome, tatele, make yourself at home.

I Heart Jews is your convenient one-stop comedy solution for all things funny on the web, from a Jewish perspective. We aim to be irreverent without being offensive, specific without being exclusive. We welcome all fans of Jewish humor (Jewmor) from your rad Rabbi to your gentle Gentile buddies and everyone in between.

We here at I Heart Jews are Hebrew school graduates, Seder hosts and hamentaschen connoisseurs. We are also improvisers, stand-up comics and web content producers.

We’d love to hear the kind of Jewish humor that tickles your funny bone, so send us any leads you have!

Jewish culture and comedy. Two great tastes that go great together.

We heart Jews. And We heart you!

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