Best Gossip Headline Ever: Madonna To Marry Jesus In Kabbalah Ceremony

Madonna is marrying Jesus.

What? Wait. Oh, that Madonna and Jesus who? Oh a hot 22-year-old Brazilian model. Oh, Ok that makes sense.

Wait a second-- they're having a Kabbalah ceremony and she's wearing a giant cross in all the sexy W photos? And the wedding isn't legally binding? What is going on?!?!?? Why can't Madge just be simply old and sexy and married with babies anymore? Remember the good old days? Last year?

Remember even further back when she was just scandalizing the Christians and Catholics in the 80s and 90s? It seems like forever ago.



Here's the scoop from DailyFill:

The Brazilian model's father Luis Heitor Pinto da Luz has revealed the couple are planning a Kabbalah ceremony to have their union recognized by the mystical Jewish faith followed by the 50-year-old singer. However, their union will not be legally binding.
Luis said: "The Kabbalah ceremony in New York that will link up my son Jesus Luz and Madonna only confirms that he is extremely happy."

Oh, so that's it? The Kabbalah ceremony just means that they are happy? Is Dad trying to make sense of it all? Because we sure are.

He added to Brazil's Quem magazine: "She has small children, and Jesus helps her out with various tasks involving all of them. He plays ball with the kids. Jesus has charisma and loves children."

"JESUS HAS CHARISMA" is the best idea for a T-shirt we've heard in ages.

Despite the 28-year age gap between Madonna and Jesus, Luis insists he approves of their relationship.
He said: "I've spoken by phone with Madonna - in French, because my English is not fluent - and she appears to me to be a normal and polite person. She is feminine. I don't feel she is a harsh person."

Nobody said she was harsh. Methinks the father of a Brazilian beefcake doth protest too much.